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Evil Wife & My Past Catching Up With Me

Ok folks this is a good one. I have been a grownup for some time now (3 kids, great job, nice house and all the acoutrements that go along with it)

Being a good grownup and a pro active daddy (along with some gentle prodding from my wife at times) I am part of the PTA at my kids school, along with my wife, we put on a great Mid Winter Pot Luck Dinner last night. All went well and everybody had a great time.

Now heres where it gets interesting….

Thankfully I have a wife who appreciates ironies and can get a good chuckle out of them. We set up for the party, took our seats early, and got ready for a great time. (Although We knew my ex-wife was going to attend, due to the fact that she had the kids last night and that was the only way they could attend, so we dealt with it)

But also in attendance (due to the fact that we all get older and tend to marry and have kids at relatively the same ages) was my ex girlfriend, (her 2 children are a few years younger than mine and attend the same school, she is on the PTA along with my wife and I) My wife knows her, they are actually good friends now, and my ex girlfriend is actually a really genuinely good person.

But it doesn’t end there….

I find out that another parent in attendance was a girl who I had a crush on in high school who I used to hang out with occasionally, flirt, and party with.

It’s a big enough party, plenty of places in the hall for everyone to sit, we can all cordually say hi and get on with life right? I can handle this right?

Riiiiiiight, so heres how it went down….

My wife and I are seated…..

My ex wife decides to make herself at home at our table and sits down….

My ex girlfriend had asked my wife to save her a seat…..

and coincidentally, the girl I used to have a crush on comes in late and takes the last 2 free seats at the table….

I survey the table and realize that I have seen the breasts of each woman here. If I was just a bit more juvenile and hedonistic, I would have been in heaven. But I’m older, wiser, a tiny bit more mature, and much more risk averse, so in reality I was just a bit uncomfortable.

So the table actions were kinda like this:

• Small chitchat with each so I’m not looked at like a buffon who cant interact with adults
• Dont look this way too long
• Don’t look that way too long
• Smiling may be interprated as flirting
• Frowning may be interprated as snobbery.
• My wife BETTER not leave me alone here or I may cry
• Ohh there goes my wife to round up the kids, “don’t cry, dont look panicked”
• Owww, my head hurts, I think I’m having an anyuerism

By the end I felt like I was having a perverted last supper with past demons. Some more demonic than others (I/E my ex wife)

At the end of the night my wife asked me how I thought the pot luck dinner went, So I brought the seating arrangement thingy to her attention,

What did she do? She started laughing hysterically, she didn’t know the girl I used to have the crush on was the final parent at our table, and hadn’t given much thought to the table dycotemy but she thought that that little extra twist was a riot. When she finally stopped laughing and gained composure she tells one of the other mothers on the PTA about the predicament I found myself in and they had another hearty laugh and then the other mother called me a slut (LOL) My wife is pure evil I swear, but I love her.

And how was your night.

Christmas 2005

Far Side Christmas Story

I worked an overtime shift this year on Christmas night. We had the usual calls, but as a rule the call volume is usually lower on Christmas and Higher on New Years. Well volume was high and by the end of the night we were just plain slap happy. The fire department and ambulance was just as busy. We all had to come together right before the end of watch for a local hooker who had taken a heroin overdose in a rooming house. Well first they hid her in a back room so they wouldn’t get in trouble, but when they saw she was turning blue they let us in.
(mind you this was a small room and there was the hooker, 3 cops, 2 medics and 2 emts with several firefighters in the background)
The medics have this wonder drug called narcan which completeley reverses a heroin overdose, (you may have seen this drug in action if you ever saw Pulp Fiction) Well, it takes a few minutes to take effect but the results are almost immediate. Usually the medic will inject the narcan and we all go about our business until the victim comes too, but as I said we were slap happy and it was Christmas Night, so we all gathered round the hooker (emts kept rescue breathing her and checking vitals) but the rest of us who had nothing to do at this time (Cops, Medics, and Firefighters) started singing Christmas Carols, (and we didn’t sound too bad) until she came to.
I swear the look on her face when she came around was priceless she either thought she died and went to hell or enterred the twilight zone.
We all then went back about our business, broke up the party, made a few arrests, bid farewell to our medic, emt and firefighter friends and had quite the Merry Christmas.

Made it through

Deck the Freaking Halls

(I made it through Christmas)

Well, I made it through the whole Christmas thing….
This year the kids have made out like bandits. They have the entire setup for a garage band (and if I gotta put up with their “practicing” they better get good and make daddy a pile of money (kinda like Chris Ledoux sang about in the song Caddilac Ranch)
My daughters each have an “Amazing Amanda” which I swear is the most annoying doll ever created (it almost reminds me of that little girl in the old tv show “Small Wonder”)
And finally, I have to watch my feet when my son is stalking the family with his “Shell Shocker” (which is pretty much a remote controlled armadillo on crack)

Why do we as parents buy things every Christmas for our children that will ensure chaos, noise and udder destruction?

Other than that, Christmas went well…

Busted

BUSTED

I stole the idea from a post on Tarragon’s blog http://www.hazeltree.net/,
(actually, I was “singled out” by Tarragon and then I was “Tagged” by Rain) and they were the same questions. Tarragon was “tagged” by Jeffrey and they were different questions, so I needed to come up with a witty heading in order to send it to Rain. So here goes:

You have been “busted“
The rules are simple, now that you have been busted, you must confess to 3 things that you do that others dont know about.

Here Goes:

1. I confess that when I was a small child I used to eat powdered strawberry cake mix right out of the box.
2. I confess that back in 1986 I skipped school with 2 of my friends to go into Boston and watch the Boston Celtics Victory Parade (that was back when they were world champions) I got caught back then because we got into town hours before the parade was to begin and got a front row seat we were right near where the local sportscaster was broadcasting live and were seen by many family members on the newscast.
3. I confess that I am a talk radio junkie. I love listening to AM Talk Radio…..

I am busting: Rain, TG, Revree, Karlababble and Lamb http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=18287170

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Happy Holidays Everyone

(You Have Just Been “Elfed”)

Just a quick post to wish everyone a safe and happy holiday season. Have fun, take care and be safe.

Here are a few Holiday funnies for you to enjoy:

• http://ww12.e-tractions.com/snowglobe/globe.htm
• http://www.toonedin.com/movies/WhiteTrashXmas.html

From the Enforcer

Fall of Civilization

Here in America people have learned that you can sue for the dumbest reasons (and win)
Here are some of the most ridiculous ones that have been collected.

Seriously folks after reading some of these I swear we are witnessing the fall of civilization….

•Sleeping Pills — Caution: May make you drowsy.

•Lighters — Contents flammable.

•Dog Shampoo — The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.

•Shampoo — Intended for use on hair only — not eyes.

•Stroller — Remove infant before folding for storage.

•Curling Iron — Not for internal use.

•Microwave Oven — Do not use for drying pets.

•Child’s Playhouse — This is not a toy.

•Toilet Bowl Cleaning Brush — Do not use orally.

•King Size Mattress — Warning: Do not attempt to swallow.

•Can of Insecticide — This spray is harmful to insects.

•Firecrackers — Do not light while holding in mouth.

•Fat-Free Potato Chips — May cause anal leakage.

•Peanut Butter — Warning: May contain nuts.

•TV Dinner — Remove plastic wrap cover before eating.

•Batteries — Do not swallow. C or D batteries may cause choking.

•.22-Caliber Rifle — May cause injury or death.

•Hardware Store Rotary Drill — This product not intended for dental purposes. •Hemorrhoid Suppositories — Remove aluminum wrapping before insertion. •Disposable Diapers — Dispose of after use.

•Electric Cattle Prod — For use on animals only.

SINGLED OUT

Singled Out
I hope I did this right. Anyways, here are my answers…

You get one wish of anything, what would you ask for?
A time machine, so that I could go back and do-over, or aviod things that I now know were mistakes.
What animal would you be?
A Polar Bear
Something you want to do in your life:
Scuba Diving
One song you could listen to over and over again:
This is the time to remember- Billy Joel
Coke or Pepsi?
Pepsi.
Something you currently desire:
A normal work schedule, so that I could spend more time with my family.
One good deed you’ve done lately:
I carried an elderly woman out of a burning building
A funny moment in your life:
When I was 5 years old my cousin tricked me into getting inside a clothes dryer. when I was inside he turned it on. I had just eaten a red lollipop and lint was stuck all over my face and my eyes were wild when someone finally opened the door and I came spinning out.

IF YOU’VE BEEN SINGLED OUT:Rules: Copy and paste the questions to your site and answer them, then pick five people whom you wish to be Singled Out. Don’t forget to tell them they’ve been Singled Out.

GIVING THE DEVIL HER DUE

I heard a great quote on talk radio last night. It was from a columnist who was on my favorite overnight radio show.

She is someone whose writing I really dislike due to her ultra liberal stance on just about everything. Her name is Molly Ivins and our local newspaper runs her column nightly. But she did peg my attitude on emotion and feelings.

She said “I treat emotions like a distant relative, I will invite them in, however I won’t make them feel extremely comfortable, lest they stay too long.”

I have to give her props for that advice, not bad Molly, there is hope for you after all…

COURT

I had a Juvenile Jury Trial that started Monday. It was for deliquency assault and battery with a dangerous weapon (a hammer) OK am I the only one who considers this wording an oxymoron. When I think of deliquency, I think of smoking in the boys room or skipping class and when I was a kid these ruffians were sent to the REFORM SCHOOL. A place that you really didn’t want to find yourself at. I most deffinately do not consider braining someone with a hammer being delinquent.

First things first, I work 5pm-1am it’s a very busy shift with a high call volume. I had to work Sunday, Monday, and yesterday on shift. Not even mentioning the time tied up in court.

My wife and kids kind of remember what daddy looks like.

Monday I had to wake up at 7:00 am after getting home at 1:00 am that morning in order to get ready for court. Well, they kept me there all day and finally empaneled a jury at 3:00 pm and we were dismissed at 4:30 pm, I had to report to roll call at 5:00 pm. There was no testimony given that day. I got out went straight to the shift and got hammered with petty bullshit calls until the end of watch and had to do the whole thing all over again yesterday. I finally got to testify and had to go back into work after that. Ok I did get paid for my time (straight time rate, not O/T rate) If your boss made you work 56 hours with very litle rest wouldn’t you expect a little kiss before you got the pipe laid to you at least. But the whole O/T thing is a rant for another day.

But as Paul Harvey says: “Heres the rest of the story”

First, the D.A. needed to realize that we had a dog of a case from the start (not of my doing) You see, the 2 “delinquent” defendants were part of one street gang, and the 2 “poor victims” were part of another gang. All of them knew each other from having been in trouble and in the court system.

The victims at the time of the assault gave a full and detailed account of who did what and how when the inciden’t happened. However like companies in the bizzness world do street gangs also consolidate for a greater piece of the preverbial pie. These 2 gangs did just that. So all of them were Homies now. When the case was being prepped on Monday, both “victims” decided that they never told me who did what or when.

So basically what these nitwits are trying to say is that I, for some inescapable reason got up that night and DECIDED that it might be FUN to railroad these 2 kids.
Or I was so incompetant at my job that I wrote down the wrong info.
So I’m either a dunce or I’m a sadistic dirty cop.

At this point if I’m the D.A. I’m thinking cut my losses now.
These knuckleheads don’t even WANT justice.The case is flat line, Pull the friggin plug, euthanize it, put it out of it’s misery.

BUT NOOOOOO would she do that? she decides that she believes that the “victims” were so tramatized that night that they really believe now what happened as they are saying it. That they just “forgot” the real facts and they will come around.
So to recap the events. What we have now are:

• 2 non credible victim witnesses who by the way also have extensive criminal records.
• A cop who if asked by the defense “do you believe that the victims are or were being truthful” cannot in good consience say that I do in fact believe them.
• No impartial 3rd party witnesses to give testimony.
• A judge that is notoriously liberal, and thats saying something when you realize that he is considered ultra liberal in the state of Massachusetts. and that my friends is a defendant’s dream come true.
• And last but not least, a cop who has had less than 8 hours sleep in the last 36 hours

But of course Madam D.A. wants to make a name for herself and has more self confidence than brainpower, decides to go forward (Sure, she has had a good night sleep, what does she care?) We take it to the Jury. I have now been robbed of 16 hours time that I will never get back. (Can I sue for this?)

Do I even need to tell you the case went South in a heartbeat. All 4 defendants and victims walked out together (prolly to plan their next armed robbery or drive by)

Why did I want to become a cop again?

NEW LOOK

Thank Y’all for coming back after my disasterous attempts of trying to work with codes and templates on my blog.

After A LOT of cussing, ranting, raving and an occasional threat or two of throwing the computer right out F***ing the front window I think I got a look that I can live with.

Sometimes you get lucky

Last night I worked in the booking room. I usually like to work outside in a sector cause that’s where all the fun stuff happens. When I do occasionally work inside I like either working the booking room or the front desk. I’ve been battling a nasty sinus infection so I volunteered to work inside so I could recover a bit. Well, I haven’t been inside in awhile and wasn’t really booking fast.
Well, my seargent made an arrest, it was for a suspended license, he observed a car parked (engine running) in a high drug traffic area with a female in the passenger seat apparently waiting for someone. He ran the vehicle license plate and found the registered owner to be suspended, so he tucked in and waited, sure enough, the nitwit comes running up and jumps into the driver seat and prepares to drive away. The sgt made the stop, the guy gave a fake name at first but then came clean, then asserted that he had drugs on him. We found the drugs upon search.

Sgt arrests him and brings him in, just as a call goes out in the same area that the stop and arrest was made, the call was for a stabbing, the details came in about as slow as I was booking. While I’m booking the guy he hears the radio brodcast about the stabbing, he gets a bit squirrily and keeps asking about the stabbing.
Right after we put him in a cell, the description comes out and damned if it wasn’t a spot on description of the guy standing in front of me on the other side of the cage. BINGO everything starts coming together.

The guys passenger (the female) was tracked down (she was walking due to the fact that the car was towed) she still had the knife on her, (when the nitwit jumped in and saw that he was getting stopped, he tossed her the knife and apparently told her to stash it in her, shall we say “nether reigons” and to hide it as soon as she could. She was no team player and gives him up as well as his motive “they got burned for drugs and he went back to do a drug rip payback. I don’t think they are seeing eachother anymore, but I digress….

He confesses to the stabbing and is going with a self defense theory for his defense LOL

This was great police teamwork combined with some real good luck.
I never thought working slow and feeling sick would be a lucky thing, but in this case, it was just slow enough for him to hear the radio call and make him squirrily, sending up red flags.
I guess it was a good night

Dentist Visit

Ok first and foremost, I am not a wuss (USUALLY)

I am a police officer, I love guns, I play with the dregs of society and then lock em up, there is not much I fear.

That being said I am terrified of the dentist, However, I have made great strides lately. A little back history. When I was a wee lad of about 10 years old I was a mini sports star (in my own mind of course) and wanted to play the meanest toughest sports. Hockey, Boxing, Football etc… But being the mama’s boy (I am an only child, and no I’m not a spoiled brat, and I swear my parents took one look at me when I was born and vowed to never have sex again) But I digress…

Back to the story,
Me (wanting to play rough and tumble sports)
Mom (wanting me to play chess and be on the debate team)
A compromise was hatched in where I was able to play BASKETBALL, ( yes I said basketball) and that was before anyone told me that a pudgy bull in a china shop type is not a good match for the game of roundball. My very first game, I went in for a layup and the little bastard guarding me took my legs out from under me, but the joke was on him, when I came to after they gave me smelling salts was made aware that half of my front tooth was embedded in the other kid’s forehead. He came to just after I did.

This was on a Sunday morning, I was sent home with my cracked tooth with the nerve exposed to attempt to find a dentist (having the nerve exposed meant shooting pain each time air hit the nerve) thus making me pass out with just about every breath I took. It would appear to the untrained eye as if I was suffering from narcolepsy. I did however make sure I was consious enough to walk in to my kitchen, toss the recently extracted (from the other kids forehead) tooth across the table and chide my mom with these now famous words (in my family) “Hey maaah, I plathed sumfin safe I plathed Basthetball, and looth at me know”
After a lengthy bout of root canal and a subsiquent cap fitting I vowed to only go to the dentist for cleanings, I committed myself to a theory of keep em clean and healthy but if they I get a cavity there will be no root canal, when in doubt rip it out (with laughing gas of course)

Well the other day I was listening to talk radio (I am a talk show junkie) I heard a commercial for sedation dentistry, this guy will knock me out and fix all my teeth, no hearing the drill, no smelling burning teeth, no pressure no worry. I was all over it, I went yesterday and ya know, I gotta love the fact that he went over everything with me, and he gave me his book titled “Hey doc, it’s nothing personal but I hate dentists” I am back among the segment of society that will be going to the dentist Yay Me…….
I’ll let ya know how it goes.

PS
I got over the whole mama’s boy thing a long time ago, I swear…..

JOB SECURITY

1. 

   I have become very jaded during my years as a police officer. I originally thought that I was gonna be a super crime cleaner upper. Through my training and experience, I have concluded two things:

• There will always be crime
• Criminals are always gonna be stupid

Knowing these 2 things, as a police officer it’s best to just consider crime and criminals as job security.

I came to this relization some time ago, however it was reinforced in the past few week. The city in which I work has seen an increase in gang violence related calls lately (man with a gun, shootings, stabbings and beatings.) It was so bad that one night several weeks ago, we had 6 UNRELATED stabbings in a 2 HOUR TIMESPAN. (I coined the phrase, it was stab your buddy night and it stuck as the official description of the night.

Tuesday night, (election night) we got a call downtown, less than a block away from where they were tallying all the votes at City Hall, for 2 men fighting over a gun. The first unit off at scene reported that there were 2 men fighting over a gun in the middle of the street. All units raced to the scene, (in excess of 10 Police officers with guns drawn utilizing cover and concealment of our perspective police cars) One guy lets go of the gun and puts his hands in the air. Knucklehead # 2 decides that he is going to light up a cigarette so he spins around quickly to block the wind from extinguishing the match. This nitwit does not know how close he came to being a statistic of lead poisining. Any person witha firearm who makes quick furtive movements is a threat and can be treated as such. When asked later why he would do such a stupid thing he replied “well I knew I was gonna get locked up and ya cant smoke in the jail so I wanted a quick butt before I had to go”

AAAAAARGH, and people wonder why I just keep rocking back and forth chanting “One with the universe, I love my job, I want to help people, I am a police officer.”

My Night Out

Last night my wife, daughter and I went to see Clint Black in concert. The show was awesome, not only that but we had 3rd row floor seats. After seeing the show I swear the only comparison I can make is that this guy is the Country Version of Roy Orbison (however Clint was much more interactive with the audience)

He played all of his really great hits and a bunch of songs off his new album. 2 of his new songs were unbelievable. Back home in heaven and Code of the west. the first song (Heaven) is one of the very few songs that could actually make me tear up and get a lump in my throat.
the 2nd song (Code) he dedicated to the troops and it is a song that really makes you think about the stuff that those men and women are going through. The gist of the chorus is that in the old west you could tell the good guys from the bad guys by the color of their hats. You didn’t have to wonder if the seemingly docile person in front of you wanted to kill you. It was a very mooving song as well.

The funniest part of the whole evening was that my daughter who is a huge Clint Black fan as well, fell asleep during the opening act and aside from a few short periods of lucidity was “out like a light” for the entire concert, which is almost unfathomable seeing as we were 3 rows back from the stage and near a speaker.

The good news is…
that my daughter woke up as we were leaving the concert, and we had to walk by Clint’s bus on the way out. And as luck would have it, he was up and about and signed a picture for my daughter as well as a ticket stub for Daddy.
What a cool belated birthday present it was.

Please send a message to Sony and don’t watch this show…

Im not usually one to advocate one way or another on an issue unless I feel really strongly about something.

Well in this is a case I feel strongly that the actions of this Boston Limosine Liberal Judge need to be exposed to her national audience so that they may make an informed decision to watch or not to watch her show. Personally, I hope the show flops miserably. Read the following account and keep in mind that this judge was hostile to the prosecution in a case involving a cross dresser who had kindapped and compelled a young boy (at knifepoint) to give him a blowjob. She further sentanced the guy to probation. Sony now want’s to give this Judge a TV show, I cannot in good consious “SIT DOWN” and be quiet on the matter.

Here is a transcript of one of the exchanges between the judge and the DA:
During ADA Deakin’s recitation of the facts, Judge Lopez interrupted and suggested that his description was sufficient. The Assistant District Attorney had to request permission to complete the Commonwealth’s statement of the facts in support of the plea.

Judge Lopez asked ADA Deakin to rate the case on a scale of one to ten relative to other cases. The Assistant District Attorney responded, explaining that he rated the case a “ten” in terms of absence of any pre-existing relationship between Horton and the victim; he considered it “in the quite serious range” given the age of the child; and as “moderately serious” in terms of the completed assault, though he noted that it could have been more serious had the police not intervened. The following exchange then took place:

THE COURT: Well, let me just say that I’ve been a Judge now since 1988, and I have seen many of these cases. And in the scale of cases that charge sexual assault of children, this is on a very low level. Okay? And, so, I really think it’s disingenuous for you to tell me that this is a ten. I’ll hear from the defense attorney.

Assistant District Attorney deakin: Your Honor, if I may -

THE COURT: No, you may not. You may sit down now.

Assistant District Attorney deakin: I -

THE COURT: You may sit down now or I’ll get a Court Officer to make you sit down. And I’ll hear from the defense attorney.

Assistant District Attorney DEAKIN: I object to being charged with being disingenuous.

THE COURT: I find it was disingenuous, and I know better than that.

During the course of this exchange, Judge Lopez raised her voice and shook her finger at Assistant District Attorney Deakin, who remained calm and professional in his manner.

When ADA Joseph (at the request of the victim’s mother and grandmother) attempted to read the relevant victim impact statements into the record, Judge Lopez refused to allow her to participate in the hearing and directed ADA Deakin to read the impact statements. At all relevant times, Ms. Joseph was the Assistant District Attorney in charge of the Horton case.

When ADA Deakin sought to be heard for the purpose of properly reminding Judge Lopez to specify the conditions of probation, Judge Lopez interrupted the Assistant District Attorney and stated in a hostile manner, “I don’t want to hear from you anymore. Do you understand?” and “No. You will not be heard. I said, I’ve heard enough.”

While ADA Deakin was stating the Commonwealth’s recommendations for sentence, Judge Lopez asked sarcastically: “And would the Commonwealth request that this defendant be sent to a male prison or female prison?”

During the August 1, 2000 conference, in Commonwealth v. Horton, Judge Lopez categorized transgendered persons, like the defendant, stating that she knows “these people,” and justified a sentence of probation by stating: “They are not violent.”

I KNOW FIND OUT THAT:

Former Massachusetts Superior Court Judge Maria Lopez is getting her own TV show,

and no, Mr. Smarty Pants, it will not be called “You May Sit Down Now.” Lopez will bring the buttermilk of human kindness to a syndicated court show – sharing the video bench with a galaxy of judicial luminaries from the Honorable Marilyn Milian (the self-proclaimed “hottest judge in television) to Judge Mathis to Jdge Joe Brown to the gold standard in daytime deliberations, the venerable Judge Judy.

Lopez certainly knows how to generate headlines, drawing a lifetime’s worth when she sentenced Charles Ebony Horton to house detention for sexually assaulting an underage boy.

Meanwhile, Lopez has a year to earn a favorable verdict from the viewing public. Otherwise she’ll probably have to, yes, sit down. Please inform Sony of your reservations about their decision to showcase Ms Lopez on TV if this case infuriuates you as much as it does me.
contact Sony at: webmaster@setindia.com